A Graphic/Web Designer with experience designing websites from concept to completion.

A creative specialist working with brand experiences that reach touch-points across multi-channels. This success has been achievable via a strong commitment to strategic team building, fostering creative growth and team inspiration of emerging trends that contribute to stellar creative solutions.

Experience across multiple industries has generated a diverse brand roster such as: Mother’s Work LLC., URBN Inc., The Franklin Mint LLC. and Accor.

Please take a moment and review my history outlining the many great opportunities I have participated in both regionally and internationally.

Specialties:
• Brand development and implementation
• Digital signage
• Retail store webdesign
• Merchandising
• In-store experience and promotion
• Consumer research / social media networking

For a complete resume click here:  Linkedin

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Good Grief

Have you ever wondered what Charlie Brown really meant when he would say, “Good Grief.” I know by context he probably meant he was frustrated by Lucy or just annoyed to death by his misfortunes. I doubt he truly understood the true meaning of the word grief.

Sometimes I am reminded by my own grief when asked how many children I have. I am reminded I am forever grieving and my reactions to my own grief have change over the years. It has been 6 years now and grief begets grief from my understanding. I never heal from this pain. It still keeps me up at night and my exhaustion does not alleviate the feelings of lost. Nothing can compare to this feeling, nothing in the physically world is as strong as that feeling to the point that you can probably resist death because of it.

At first I would chase death thinking I would somehow find peace and be with my losted loved but then my logic would kick in and contemplate all the people affected by my hast. This visceral and carnal want to snuff it has left me but my yearning to understand what happens to us after death has not.

Our first son was a full term stillbirth and if you need to Google that go right on ahead of me to do so. Otherwise just understand he was about to be delivered when at the birth center they could not find a heart beat. Your own heart races when the lack of an even faster paced little heart is silent.

For days, for months even, I would be acutely more aware of school shooting tragedies or children accidentally hit by cars. I would be devastated and worried with only my silence to eat my thoughts inside and out. And still to this day, as I imagine wounded soldiers from war would feel, I hold lives in my thoughts like precious gems that others can only fathom are golden coins on a video game grabbed by a tiny Mario cartoon for joy and laughs. Nothing is grievously frivousless anymore and everything is heighten like a vampire. I am repulsed by these feelings but then attracted to them all the same.

Perhaps I use them to still be close to my son. Perhaps I need them to still feel like there is something important in my life even after he has left and all I have is dust.

I carried him. I felt him move inside me. I would speak to him and out of my three children he wiggled the most whilst in utero. I even scared my younger brother once when he saw a foot or tiny movement across my stomach. All these memories haunt me. All these memories make me happy as well.

As I child I remember learning about the Druids and their fascination with death. At a time with questionable hygiene and the lack of modern toilets, could you ever blame them? I do remember thinking how morbid of them to always be obsessed with death. How strange of this culture. But little did I know it was not the case. Our own culture today is strange and now I recant my earlier 10 year old self and judgements. Death may have been the only way to connect.

Unobtrusively, I see the homeless of Philadelphia or of any city for that matter. I wonder what pain they had gone through. I wonder other than shettler what did they lose. And you learn to look past them or not. Do you see the homeless children? I do. I see them just as much as I see the begging veterans for food or a smile. I see them and I do nothing. I should do something. I had a great tragedy and I feel a lot of people see that and react with some sort of justification, well you dealt with a lost and did not find yourself in a gutter. But what they do not truly understand which becomes so alarming clear with death is that you are in that gutter regardless of what you see on the surface. The gutter can be a clean BMW X5 or the dusty curb of Broad and Fairmount. Regardless of if you are in the car or on the outside begging for change, death finds us all.

Considerate = try to be more considerate a music teacher scolded me once after I made too much noise in the hallways. Funniest feeling ever was not caring one bit for making that noise and relishing like one of my current students at my devious act. For that sole moment did I find the joy in being inconsiderate actually. I was also justified when a mother who witnessed my situation agreed that the teacher was too harsh and rude. Suddenly, I felt as though I should have really acted better so to not have disappointed that other mom and myself more so than deal with his backlash. People are not innately considerate, I have a feeling it is a virtue. You have to work at it. No one is consistently entertaining being considerate unless they are completing tasks for the arch bishop for their confirmation. And even then I am sure a lot gets past their compassionate little fingers.

Which brings me to today’s daily wish. Whilst driving to Mount Airy I saw a billboard ad on the side of I76 that said sign up on some website to win a free ad. I wanted to sign up actually for a friend. I have since forgotten the website, the name was too long and I was driving at lighting speeds. We had joked at work that I should get her a billboard ad and have her picture posted with an enormous equally sign next to it and in a big font lettering the words “unselfish.” Afterwards, I thought if I were to truly win this ad I would just have it say “I am considerate” no picture – just large font. Those addressed would know who they were and a cloud of guilt would loom over the city of Philadelphia for days after the billboard was created. In large Helvetica I would just magically pay for another to say “Good Grief” and justy understand that although my grief is unending it is still good. To be scolded that my grief affects people and their feeling is entirely on them. I am not the keeper of their reactions to my lost. If anything I do not care what they think or feel about “my grief,” good or bad. All I do care about is my final realization that grueling as the days may be with grief they remain there for a reason and to relive the pain and the memories is to learn.

Millions of Philadelphians would just think I was a huge fan of Charles Schultz and I would allow them to believe it if that makes them happy.

Watching Netflix Like It’s Work

When you watch t.v. these days it’s like a job. When I was a little girl in the 80’s I used to think if I watched one of my most favorite sitcoms, somewhere out there in television-land someone was taking a pole of all the people like me watching that same show. And the more I would watch the more shows they would make just for people like me…dumb. I was 8 years old. But back then watching one t.v. show was normal and then the grown ups get their shows and you’d go outside again and play.

I feel like today they still make entertainment in a similar fashion and to be digested in the proverbial “normal” scenario. T.V. is one thing but movies are like a big splurge. Movies are like a party bowl mix with your corona chilled but hidden in some disney thermos on a N.J. shore. You spend a whooping $50 for maybe just yourself really and if you are that much of a high roller buying into all the 3D Imax/plexes and junk food and candy you may turn around and say “Yeah I guess it was worth it.” Then again you could be like most of us and you are cheap as hell and lazy as f@ck and the idea of getting a pair of jeans on to go sit in a relatively uncomfortable snot covered seat with possibly a group of pre-teens talking behind you and or adults swearing at the screen in front of you, pretty much describes a moment in your own personal hell here on earth.

Hence, you Netflix. Maybe you Netflix and chill, maybe you just Netflix and eat nachos, and possibly you binge watch Netflix. For the later you are working, this is suddenly your second job. You come home, you want to plop on that couch and get ready for a night full of that clever Cillian Murphy creeping it up on Peaky Blinders and you don’t care if Weinstein is a slime ball. You don’t care if that Wahlberg or Kanye guy likes that Dootie Drump you just want to watch another episode of Boardwalk Empire, you just just need to watch and that is final.

I am sure there is a job out there like this, one where you sit and watch show after show on Netflix. Then you answer questions, a lot of questions to the point that you no longer enjoyed the show and you want to scream. I know cause I used to work in a place that actually did market research. There we would “test” a panel on what they would like to see and what they wouldn’t like to see for entertainment. So really my 8 year old self was on the right track it just wasn’t magic though. I thought there were satellites that NASA put in the atmosphere capturing this sort of market information. Funny though, I should have written more as a child I could really use a lot of those old ideas for books now-a-days.

Anyhow yea, you have a 2nd job and that is watching Netflix. Poor you, you are American. You are used to watching episode after episode of Seinfeld without commercials. So of course you are no stranger to watching that same guy just drive around in really old cars, well kept old fossil fuel guzzling ones with other comedians, not ever drinking coffees and talking about the old times on the set or on stand up. You’re American and your taste are so geared to eating this up you are helpless like a baby for this stuff. You would never be able to handle a 4 episode thriller from the BBC that maybe leaves you hanging thinking maybe the killer got away with it and you will never know the end which is still their end.

Ha. You work too much.

Relax

Relax they say. Focus they say. Do this. Do that…etc. It’s hard honestly to do anything anyone ever says to you. Only you can be at the helm of the controls and are to blame with 100% of the mistakes.

I never know what to relax about anyhow. Am I supposed to just reluctantly relax about my finances, responsibilities or situation? People give the worst advice. This is why therapy is out there. They give nothing, just an ear. That is all we ever need as human beings. All we ever need is a connection to another human being. However that being said the total spike of fancier robotic sex dolls replacing actual human women in Asian does not factor in my recant.

When you point something out to a person and they acknowledge it, that is all one person ever needs. Nothing more is necessary. It’s not like we are criticizing life and well we shouldn’t be. But we do. We all critic, it’s a skill we learn in art school to build a cold thick skin against…the critic. Well at least I am not anyway, thick skinned. I am just observing it all and perhaps that is too relaxed. So do I even need to relax. Or perhaps for some not relaxed enough. My stance might be seen as lazy or passive but in the very least it is just defensive. Especially in the realm of dating it seems. If ever I do anything to grab a hold of my situation I suddenly lose the reigns of this wild circus horse. I am standing and my balance is thrown off and the beautiful decorative plumes on my horse’s head go viciously awry as I try to regain grip into her trusting saddle. Life isn’t always a circus horse, I am just saying it just might as well be.

I should be in affiliate marketing for those robots 😉

 

Being Isolated Is Real

So people always glorify the Marlboro Man, he is alone on the range, strong, free and happy, or so it seems. You never hear him complaining of being unhappy on the wide blue yonder whilst alone on the range. But he does have his team of cowboys and he does have all those cattle to care for and deal with day in and day out while he transports them thru the wilderness.

Purpose – he had a purpose and so do most people. Or at least we should hope they have a purpose in life and this is usually what I base character on. I never really notice your clothing as I did when I was a teenager. I try not to judge you on your accent but it sometimes gets in the way of what you are saying of course. But I try and the operative word there is “try” not to “judge” you at all. In fact I do this simply because I myself do not want to be judged and I know everyday I am, everything I have is on the line and it is very nerve racking and can cause a lot of anxiety for me. So I tend to have a small number of close friends that I remain in contact with and I try to make new ones but that is very very difficult.

I say very very difficult like it is just such a hardship but in reality I am very personable. I talk a lot and smile, I try to listen and joke around when I disagree and I tend to be polite (or so I have been told by friends who have been around me and strangers). It could be a defense mechanism. A clear example of “flight or flight” tactics in my form of flight which is just talk, talk, talk. A bombardment of words that the shrill annoyance makes any man avoid contact. But whatever it is I am still very isolated and feeling alone.

I say this cause after a long winter break I find myself sad that it has ended and I have to go back to work and not have every minute with my munchkins. I am a single mom, just separated, not even divorced. My older sister asked me how my Christmas was and my friends as well and overall it was fine; but Christmas day I was alone. I was sad. I am usually sad when my children are away from me, when they are always with me I yearn for some time to think, some time alone. But moreover I enjoy their company and I get plagued with the ideals I had of my past where I would have shared them together with my ex-husband. But I have to get used to that not being the case. I have to remember they will always have me and that is their constant. Nothing else will matter as long as they know I will try my best and be here for them.

My children are young and I do not have a babysitter or nanny. My friends without children never understand this and even some of my friends with children never understand this lack of luxury. I guess I never can justify the cost with the lack of funds and they just assume my mother would do it for me. What they neglect to understand is she does what she can, she is not my go to babysitter nor is she obliged to be for that matter. But people love to provide their opinion to me as if I never considered having my own mom watch my children for a night out for myself. The guilt trip from her and her nagging complaints, the phone call at 8pm asking where I am or when I will return and the tone of voice with disgust that follows a night out are never worth the night out. She does not get them to bed on time, she watches inappropriate scary t.v. around them and it is just too much more work dealing with a tired child let alone two tired children after I have had a night out to be with adults. Honestly, it is work, so if socializing is work then it is not worth the stress for me. In fact it’s just more stress on my already stressful life than anything else. Do not get me wrong my mom does help me when she can. She deems my socializing to be frivolous that is usually most of the time if it has nothing to do with work or getting work then I will get that whole gamut. She is older and from a different world where basically my life as a mother (no less a soon to be divorced mother) is the single most important thing in the world and my life will forever now be stunned because of my broken marriage. Everything that broke my marriage was my fault and in a way I feel there is no point to looking back it just is what it is. So why dwell on it? Tis better to deal with the now and get through at least that much during your day. Besides at least you can somewhat change the now.

I received what I think was a compliment from a friend who said, “I just think you are too young and pretty to be alone forever…” to which my response was as it has been for the last two years now as, “thanks.” I know she means well. It’s just me, I read things into things. What I hear is you are alone and so that is bad. You have qualities that would allow you not to be alone so why be alone? Well maybe I do not want to be alone but I need to be that, “alone” and that needs to be the way it is right now.

I do not understand where I am supposed to first find a beau let alone other single moms to befriend. Where are they all hanging out, is there a meetup or chat room (totally dating myself on that one) online where I can connect with these equally lonely women. People around me tell me it is easy, I am just not looking hard enough. I actually met another single mom at a job once and she said all her friends were single moms, but these were originally her friends from before they were single moms. Now how on earth was that going to help me? Most of my friends do not even have children. My friends are artist. They have their art. Honestly, I guess I am not looking hard enough cause there aren’t signs in life that say here is the place where you can find a friend to talk to someone who can understand on your level and also sympathize because they have gone through this as well.

I did however go to many a dinner for single moms with a cousin of mine who is a widow. Being a widow, she may not have some of the poignant stigmas that come with “almost” being divorced but she unfortunately has stigmas nonetheless. She holds the pain of death; where there are a million unanswered questions. I know of death, it haunts me as well because my first son was born dead. Being already a mother and then having a stillborn child afterwards – you are not allowed time to grieve your baby because you already have an older child. You child needs you too so you have to continue thru life like enjoying a viciously rusty rollercoaster at some abandoned theme park. But I digress, the dinners were nice. My children were cared for by caregivers who attend the church where it is held and they had an activity and got to meet other children who are also from single parent homes. Meanwhile the adults have a nice dinner together, just ladies, a talk about spirituality and moving forward and time to be around other women dealing or have dealt with the same issues. What is not very easy for me is the religious aspect or the fact that this is available miles away from my home. I just do not understand why nothing like this is available for people where I live. I must live in a crappy community where noone knows you and your business so thus noone cares.

Well regardless I have found in that ladies dinner some comrades but never made a close enough connection with someone to always turn to them when I am feeling isolated. Am I pretending to be the happy or am I already happy? I was told I should be happy as it is because of my situation being the best it could be. Really why Am I even questioning my overall existence since so many have such clear outlooks on how my existence really “must be.” Am I alone really or am I just overwhelmed? Maybe someone out there will know better than me, people always tend to have their opinions of my mistakes. Hopefully someone will read this and have something interesting to say other than just be happy you could have it worst.