So people always glorify the Marlboro Man, he is alone on the range, strong, free and happy, or so it seems. You never hear him complaining of being unhappy on the wide blue yonder whilst alone on the range. But he does have his team of cowboys and he does have all those cattle to care for and deal with day in and day out while he transports them thru the wilderness.
Purpose – he had a purpose and so do most people. Or at least we should hope they have a purpose in life and this is usually what I base character on. I never really notice your clothing as I did when I was a teenager. I try not to judge you on your accent but it sometimes gets in the way of what you are saying of course. But I try and the operative word there is “try” not to “judge” you at all. In fact I do this simply because I myself do not want to be judged and I know everyday I am, everything I have is on the line and it is very nerve racking and can cause a lot of anxiety for me. So I tend to have a small number of close friends that I remain in contact with and I try to make new ones but that is very very difficult.
I say very very difficult like it is just such a hardship but in reality I am very personable. I talk a lot and smile, I try to listen and joke around when I disagree and I tend to be polite (or so I have been told by friends who have been around me and strangers). It could be a defense mechanism. A clear example of “flight or flight” tactics in my form of flight which is just talk, talk, talk. A bombardment of words that the shrill annoyance makes any man avoid contact. But whatever it is I am still very isolated and feeling alone.
I say this cause after a long winter break I find myself sad that it has ended and I have to go back to work and not have every minute with my munchkins. I am a single mom, just separated, not even divorced. My older sister asked me how my Christmas was and my friends as well and overall it was fine; but Christmas day I was alone. I was sad. I am usually sad when my children are away from me, when they are always with me I yearn for some time to think, some time alone. But moreover I enjoy their company and I get plagued with the ideals I had of my past where I would have shared them together with my ex-husband. But I have to get used to that not being the case. I have to remember they will always have me and that is their constant. Nothing else will matter as long as they know I will try my best and be here for them.
My children are young and I do not have a babysitter or nanny. My friends without children never understand this and even some of my friends with children never understand this lack of luxury. I guess I never can justify the cost with the lack of funds and they just assume my mother would do it for me. What they neglect to understand is she does what she can, she is not my go to babysitter nor is she obliged to be for that matter. But people love to provide their opinion to me as if I never considered having my own mom watch my children for a night out for myself. The guilt trip from her and her nagging complaints, the phone call at 8pm asking where I am or when I will return and the tone of voice with disgust that follows a night out are never worth the night out. She does not get them to bed on time, she watches inappropriate scary t.v. around them and it is just too much more work dealing with a tired child let alone two tired children after I have had a night out to be with adults. Honestly, it is work, so if socializing is work then it is not worth the stress for me. In fact it’s just more stress on my already stressful life than anything else. Do not get me wrong my mom does help me when she can. She deems my socializing to be frivolous that is usually most of the time if it has nothing to do with work or getting work then I will get that whole gamut. She is older and from a different world where basically my life as a mother (no less a soon to be divorced mother) is the single most important thing in the world and my life will forever now be stunned because of my broken marriage. Everything that broke my marriage was my fault and in a way I feel there is no point to looking back it just is what it is. So why dwell on it? Tis better to deal with the now and get through at least that much during your day. Besides at least you can somewhat change the now.
I received what I think was a compliment from a friend who said, “I just think you are too young and pretty to be alone forever…” to which my response was as it has been for the last two years now as, “thanks.” I know she means well. It’s just me, I read things into things. What I hear is you are alone and so that is bad. You have qualities that would allow you not to be alone so why be alone? Well maybe I do not want to be alone but I need to be that, “alone” and that needs to be the way it is right now.
I do not understand where I am supposed to first find a beau let alone other single moms to befriend. Where are they all hanging out, is there a meetup or chat room (totally dating myself on that one) online where I can connect with these equally lonely women. People around me tell me it is easy, I am just not looking hard enough. I actually met another single mom at a job once and she said all her friends were single moms, but these were originally her friends from before they were single moms. Now how on earth was that going to help me? Most of my friends do not even have children. My friends are artist. They have their art. Honestly, I guess I am not looking hard enough cause there aren’t signs in life that say here is the place where you can find a friend to talk to someone who can understand on your level and also sympathize because they have gone through this as well.
I did however go to many a dinner for single moms with a cousin of mine who is a widow. Being a widow, she may not have some of the poignant stigmas that come with “almost” being divorced but she unfortunately has stigmas nonetheless. She holds the pain of death; where there are a million unanswered questions. I know of death, it haunts me as well because my first son was born dead. Being already a mother and then having a stillborn child afterwards – you are not allowed time to grieve your baby because you already have an older child. You child needs you too so you have to continue thru life like enjoying a viciously rusty rollercoaster at some abandoned theme park. But I digress, the dinners were nice. My children were cared for by caregivers who attend the church where it is held and they had an activity and got to meet other children who are also from single parent homes. Meanwhile the adults have a nice dinner together, just ladies, a talk about spirituality and moving forward and time to be around other women dealing or have dealt with the same issues. What is not very easy for me is the religious aspect or the fact that this is available miles away from my home. I just do not understand why nothing like this is available for people where I live. I must live in a crappy community where noone knows you and your business so thus noone cares.
Well regardless I have found in that ladies dinner some comrades but never made a close enough connection with someone to always turn to them when I am feeling isolated. Am I pretending to be the happy or am I already happy? I was told I should be happy as it is because of my situation being the best it could be. Really why Am I even questioning my overall existence since so many have such clear outlooks on how my existence really “must be.” Am I alone really or am I just overwhelmed? Maybe someone out there will know better than me, people always tend to have their opinions of my mistakes. Hopefully someone will read this and have something interesting to say other than just be happy you could have it worst.